No picture, just talking

Sorry. I've just thought a lot today.

I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to have friends.
First, there's college. And the whole horrible experience of being in classes with people, living in this huge building with hundreds of people, eating lunch surrounded by these people and not finding one single person to be friends with. Not one fucking person in this whole goddamn 20,000-plus-student campus.
Then, there's everything else. I've had so many "best friends" throughout my lifetime. Very few of them have actually been good friends. Most of them were people who I had fun times with, sure, but if I was to ever be stuck with them in a one-on-one setting, I panicked... because there was nothing to talk about. Inside jokes don't really happen unless you're with a group of silly people. So those relationships faded as soon as someone else caught their attention, or a change of location got in the way, or if we simply drifted.
The rest of the close friends I have had, with a couple of exceptions, have either left or been taken from me. There is something about me that causes people to know me for a couple of years, have good times with me, and then just leave. And I don't understand what makes me so unworthy of having someone who can stick with me for the long term. I try really hard not to be an awful person. The worst thing is, I used to pride myself on how great of a friend I was. I recently wrote an essay on how one of the worst years of high school (ironically caused by a best friend ditching me in favor of another group of people) caused me to turn it into something positive where I tried to be the best friend I could possibly be and care about everyone who came into my life and blah blah blah. I don't know if I'm that great of a friend anymore. I'm probably not. There's probably no excuse for it, either.

This isn't to say that I don't consider Aaron my friend. I do, he's my best friend and I can tell him everything, and I do tell him everything. There's just something about me that needs multiple people to lean on, though... different opinions, different perspectives. I guess I've also grown up with the idea that girls should have their best friends... blame Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants or The Year of Secret Assignments or basically any young adult book for girls, which I've read a large quantity of.
I'm afraid, too, that it's coming up to that second-year mark... around the time where the people I considered myself close to leave. I'm afraid that I'll do something wrong, or I'll become too boring or too annoying or too clingy or too something, and he'll be gone.

I don't know. This actually wasn't supposed to be so depressing or whatever it is... and it's really not pointed towards anyone in particular. Yes, there was something that sort of set off this thinking in earnest, but it's been mulling around my head for a long time now. I just felt like tonight was the night to get it off my chest.