No picture, just talking

Sorry. I've just thought a lot today.

I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to have friends.
First, there's college. And the whole horrible experience of being in classes with people, living in this huge building with hundreds of people, eating lunch surrounded by these people and not finding one single person to be friends with. Not one fucking person in this whole goddamn 20,000-plus-student campus.
Then, there's everything else. I've had so many "best friends" throughout my lifetime. Very few of them have actually been good friends. Most of them were people who I had fun times with, sure, but if I was to ever be stuck with them in a one-on-one setting, I panicked... because there was nothing to talk about. Inside jokes don't really happen unless you're with a group of silly people. So those relationships faded as soon as someone else caught their attention, or a change of location got in the way, or if we simply drifted.
The rest of the close friends I have had, with a couple of exceptions, have either left or been taken from me. There is something about me that causes people to know me for a couple of years, have good times with me, and then just leave. And I don't understand what makes me so unworthy of having someone who can stick with me for the long term. I try really hard not to be an awful person. The worst thing is, I used to pride myself on how great of a friend I was. I recently wrote an essay on how one of the worst years of high school (ironically caused by a best friend ditching me in favor of another group of people) caused me to turn it into something positive where I tried to be the best friend I could possibly be and care about everyone who came into my life and blah blah blah. I don't know if I'm that great of a friend anymore. I'm probably not. There's probably no excuse for it, either.

This isn't to say that I don't consider Aaron my friend. I do, he's my best friend and I can tell him everything, and I do tell him everything. There's just something about me that needs multiple people to lean on, though... different opinions, different perspectives. I guess I've also grown up with the idea that girls should have their best friends... blame Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants or The Year of Secret Assignments or basically any young adult book for girls, which I've read a large quantity of.
I'm afraid, too, that it's coming up to that second-year mark... around the time where the people I considered myself close to leave. I'm afraid that I'll do something wrong, or I'll become too boring or too annoying or too clingy or too something, and he'll be gone.

I don't know. This actually wasn't supposed to be so depressing or whatever it is... and it's really not pointed towards anyone in particular. Yes, there was something that sort of set off this thinking in earnest, but it's been mulling around my head for a long time now. I just felt like tonight was the night to get it off my chest.

Wow, typing somewhere and having it end up somewhere other than the top of your keyboard is really weird.

My laptop screen is dead so I have it hooked up to another monitor (graciously lent to me by Aaron, my spectacular loving boyfriend =P) but since I'm lazy and feel the optimal position for laptop use is laying in bed, I have the monitor sitting on a chair a couple feet away to the left of me and I'm typing all the way over here... it looks really ghetto. And it's really weird to have to keep looking to my left to make sure I typed ok. But it's all good. As long as there aren't typos.

Oh my godddd my cat is so cute. And so freaking deranged. I came home from school (yessss!), and my family had actually waited to put the ornaments on the tree until I got home, so we did that tonight. And while we're putting up the ornaments, Tucker, my cat (who's humongous despite the fact that he's not even a year old yet), runs in the room, goes underneath the tree boughs, and starts climbing up the inside of the tree. What is it with cats climbing up trees? But yeah, he actually stays up there a good while and bats at the ornaments we put within his range and he starts eating them and stuff. He's really bizarre. But he gets down eventually and starts gnawing on the lights, which is how I got this picture... he's Rudolph! I'm extremely proud of this photo, by the way. You should feed my massive ego by telling me how precious it is, haha. ;) Just kidding.

I'm really glad it's winter break though. Finals are over and I have no work for an entire month and everyone's home and it's just happiness. Plus there's Christmas somewhere in there (can you believe it's only 10 days away? Holy freaking crap.), yayyy. I'm very much looking forward to a month of seeing people I like a lot and hopefully not storing any more fat for the winter!! Hehe. Who knows, I may even do this regularly. (Don't count on it.)

-Liz

Nom nom nom!!

Oh yeah, and in cause you were curious, here's a picture of him IN the tree:

PS: wtf, I'm spending my night writing a blog entry about my cat. I have a life, I promise.

Day 36

I'm basically doing this just to procrastinate studying for psych, because for some reason I can't bring myself to study for it.

Anyway, I hung out with my family this weekend because I'm cool like that. We went to DC to go to the Metro Zoo and the Hirshhorn Museum, which is a contemporary/modern art museum. It was a pretty fun little trip, we obviously rode the metro and walked around a bit and had good times. Mostly because it was only the girls, haha. That's the best.

So yeah, this is a picture of the huge escalator coming from... I don't even know what stop this was. But the going down escalator was actually off or broken, to the horror of the people with wheely suitcases, so it was a bit of a climb. At least the going up part was working, walking up all of those stairs would have been miserable.

The art museum was pretty cool, modern art can pretty much be shit sometimes but the basement with contemporary art was fantastically creepy. I wish I was allowed to take pictures, or I would have some really cool ones to post, but sadly I wasn't... just picture a sculpture of a gigantic, naked, bald man sitting in the corner that's amazingly realistic, up to the wrinkles and folds of skin. It was grotesque. And there was a film showing called "A Life of Errors" by Nicholas and Sheila Pye about a couple who kill each other, which I loved for some reason.

Alright, I'd better start studying. See you later.

I read somewhere that people with blog posts with nothing but "I'm sorry I haven't updated more" are really boring.

So I'm not going to apologize. Suck it, bitchezz.
But okay, here's my post, because Alex wanted me to do one.

Since starting college, I've played guitar about... three times. It's hard to find time when I live with a roommate and am self-conscious about playing in front of other people. Much less singing. But I miss playing guitar; I don't claim to be the best at it, or even moderately good. And I'm pretty sure my guitar cost like $75 and is a piece of shit. But I just feels so good to release my energy and my built-up feelings into something that I can hear and touch.
And trust me, I've had a lot of feelings since starting college. I don't like it here. I don't like living with people I'm unfamiliar with. It's not that I mind the people themselves. I was so used to having my own room, and my own bathroom, and a place to talk to myself and sing and walk around in my underwear without anyone being the wiser. I told myself that it would get better, but it hasn't. I just don't think I fit in to this school- while some people have similar interests with mine, they talk about them differently and seem to like things for different reasons from me... and I know that college is about expanding your horizons, getting a new perspective, blah blah blah, but I just haven't connected with a single person here. And it's very lonely.

But I'm sickening myself with my own public complaining, I feel kind of pathetic now- I've been too embarrassed to really talk about the whole extent of my loneliness here to anyone except a few people. I just hope I can transfer to a better fit next year. And I mean, good things have come from being here. I have so much time to study, and classes are so easy, that I have A's in all my classes- something I haven't been able to say since 5th grade. And my relationship with Christine has gotten better, and I'd say my friendship with Alex has improved tremendously. I also have a lot of time to think, though that's a blessing and a curse.

Anyway, music is incredible. I'm sitting here listening to this band called Horse Feathers, and I feel so peaceful and calm... and a mixture of happy and sad, and I have no idea why this music is making me feel this way but I love it. Violins are so expressive- I wish I knew how to play. I have a lot of things I wish I knew. But yeah, you should listen to Horse Feathers. There is so much feeling in this music. It's amazing.

Until next time-
Liz

PS- I've owned a digital SLR since July and this is the first time I've posted a photo with it. That's certainly a shame. I'll try to be better.

Day 34

Tonight I was driving home from Aaron's, not paying much attention to the road at all and mostly just staring at the moon. I've always felt some sort of strange magnetism to the moon. Maybe it's all the water that makes me up or maybe I'm destined to be an astronaut, but it's just always been something I've been drawn to. One of my favorite things to do is drive at night, looking at the moon, thinking. It's so big and far, and I'm so... tethered to the Earth, insignificant and small. It helps me put me and my problems in perspective, but it also makes me kind of sad. How is my life going to matter in the scheme of things?

Anyway, that ended up sounding a bit more depressing than I meant it to, but I've been thinking a lot lately. I've had some really good, figuratively ass-kicking (my ass, btw) conversations in the past few days. Conversations that have helped me see that I've been somewhat of a sub-par human being lately. Not that I'm a bad person, or looking for reassurance that I'm not a bad person, but I haven't been treating the people I care about as well as they treat me. And I want to fix that; I want to love people better, live with more passion, not let time slip through my fingers. I thought a good way to start that would be to restart this blog. I think I love who I was when I started this. A lot of new things were happening in my life and it was just a really wonderful time, and I was a good friend and participated in life more instead of just watching it. I want to be all of that again.

So it's the start of summer. I just graduated high school... I don't think I've ever been more terrified about the future in my life. But right now I'm listening to Two Suns by Bat for Lashes spin on my record player and it's warm and I'm calm and the world right now seems to be peaceful. Let's see how it feels in the morning.

(ps the photo looks better when you click on it)

Day 33

Sweet baby Jesus I suck.
We had a snow day today. I sat inside most of it like a bum, and then decided I wanted to take a picture of the last streak of light on my front lawn... unfortunately I missed it by like 30 seconds. I was bummed.
Yeah, I don't know what's up with this photo block. I kind of wish I could just power through it, but it has something to do with the state of my life right now, I'm sure. I used to take pictures because I was bored. I'm not bored very often anymore... which is really a shame. I miss taking pictures.

Anyway, I came upon this poor chap in the snow. He couldn't smell me coming.

Day 32

Today we rode a ferry to Okracoke and I saw people walk on water. Then Maddie and Christine arrived at the beach house... so the week should now be lots of fun. I'm excited. Today we just kinda hung out and did nothing... went on a short walk to the beach... and yeah. Hopefully tomorrow will be good. I don't really have much to say. I might update this update when I'm in a better mood, but right now I'm tiiired.